A Haunted House. (2012). MPAA: R (for crude and sexual content, language, and some drug use). Starring: Marlon Wayans, Essence Atkins, Nick Swardson, David Koechner, and Cedric the Entertainer. Written by Marlon Wayans and Rick Alvarez. Directed by Michael Tiddes.
Remember in my review for Gangster Squad earlier this weekend I said that a bad January release was bound to happen eventually? Well, a day later, it has happened. Granted, I did not see Texas Chainsaw 3D, but I did see A Haunted House, and to the makers of it I can say congratulations. In just the second weekend of 2013 you have officially landed the spot of my first F graded film. This movie sucks on every level. Every level. From the incredibly dumb premise to the atrocious script that relies too much on sexual humor that comes off as being disgusting as opposed to funny, this is one of the worst parody movies I’ve ever seen. Maybe I’m hating on this so much because I hate the Wayans’. Oh well. It’s a good enough reason. I have only seen a few of their films, one of which is White Chicks, a movie I found to reek of stupidity, and Little Man, a movie so stupid, unfunny, and immature I can still remember the bad taste it left in my mouth. Maybe that piquancy is so apparent now because that same taste, and possibly even a more severe one, has been left in my mouth today.
If you don’t know what A Haunted House is about, good for you. Just take my word and stay away from it. The plot is so stupid that I don’t even want to talk about it. But don’t worry. I will. Just think of Paranormal Activity with lots of sex, farts, and immature jokes. That’s all this movie is. This is being marketed as a comedy. Don’t believe it. Out of all the jokes cracked in its 86 minute running time, I laughed not once. No joke there. Maybe I’m in the minority here, (and I know that I’m not), but I just don’t find a girl farting in a bed, therefore causing the sheet to blast into the air, funny. Nor do I find a man pooping on a floor then wiping on the curtains to be funny. Also, I find a man practicing sex with three stuffed animals (having them give him oral sex and him taking turns having sex with them) to be unfunny. I’m serious, people. All of this, and much more garbage, is in this movie. This is what Hollywood is telling you to laugh at. Maybe if a good writer could work with the material it would be funny. But instead we get Marlon Wayans. Sigh. This movie goes nowhere. We get nothing out of it. I don’t quite understand if the Wayans intended on that, but in all honesty, nothing happens at all. No climax at the end, not funny turnaround or mockery. Just stupid writing being spoken by uninteresting people. I am not exaggerating when I say that when the last shot of this movie ended and the title flashed across the screen, me and my friend jumped out of our seats and ran out the door, wanting to punch walls. It’s that bad. This is the first time in a long time that I considered walking out in the middle of a movie. But I stuck around. Sadly.
FINAL VERDICT – Michael Tiddes’ mockery of the Paranormal Activity movies, from a script by Marlon Wayans and Rick Alvarez, is horrifying, which is a term that should never be used for a horror movie parody. This is not a comedy. This is a film that labels itself as a comedy but actually had me rolling my eyes the entire time. This is one of the most unfunny comedies in recent years. I think I kept a straight face throughout this film more than some straight forward dramas. That is one of the worst things anyone could say about a “comedy.” (F)